I don’t want to dwell on it too much, but Hollywood has ruined so many things that i love. Transformers, killed by Michael Bay. Star Wars prequels, ruined by Hayden Christiansen. The list goes on and on, it is a rant that could last for days. Maybe months.

Maybe it has to do with the ludicrous amounts of time, money, and resources that are ‘wasted’ on such shithouse productions. But, for one reason or another, it really gets under my skin. At least rappers are blatantly throwing money away .

Not at all the latest casualty, but certainly one that springs to mind is snowboarding. For some reason, Hollywood and the media in general have just got it so wrong. What makes it even harder to believe is the credible names attached to some of these big screen adaptations. This was not always the case though, probably the best example is from 1985. Oh well, have a look and judge for yourself.

Below is a list of films, and their trailers, where someone has had a go at capitalizing on some of snowboardings mainstream appeal. As we all know, XXXtreme is where the money at. YO.

Shred . Coming soon to a $1.99 Dvd rack at Coles.

Could be wrong about this, but it looks awful. What bothers me the most is that Dave England who stars in the film was once an editor for Big Brother (the BEST skateboarding magazine, ever) . Renee Renee, as weird as he is , could at least keep his wacky gear on to match what appears to be going on here. Tom Green skates, quite convincingly , at the beginning of ‘Freddy Got Fingered ‘ (unfortunately he also starred in ‘Grind ‘, so he loses a bunch of cred there). Why these three couldn’t get something half decent looking together blows. Renee Renee has links to Pierre Wikberg , Tom Green presumably has a bit of money and a buttload of connections, and Dave England ran Big Brother . Something is definitely lost in translation.

No idea about this one, I think its from Norway. While not Hollywood, this just looks funny, i found it searching for something else.

Snowboard Academy (1996) Jim Varney, Corey Haim.

I think this would have been much better, if it was actually an Ernest film. Then it might have been a little bit funny. At least snowboarding lasted longer than Corey Haims’ career.

Out Cold (2001) Todd Richards, Devun Walsh(stunts)

Just as many stereotypes as Snowboard Academy, equally as shit. Todd Richards is actually very good in front of the camera and could potentially be a good character. But he is cast in a wheelchair as a Doctor. Why have the real snowboarder cast in an intelligent role, and the snowboarders cast as idiots.

The two films mentioned also prove that when ‘action sports’ are used in mainstream cinema, camera dutching rules supreme. Directors are intent on making you feel the effects of motion sickness.

A View to a Kill (1985)

Probably the best example of snowboarding in mainstream cinema. Still kind of shithouse that he was skiing first. Tom Sims, a snowboard legend and pioneer, was the stunt double which makes it that much cooler. In ‘Brotherhood’ Todd Schlosser also credits this movie as the reason he took up snowboarding. A few other reasons this movie gets a pass;

I was born in 1985.

It’s a Bond film, i have always loved Bond.

Christopher Walken.

Grace Jones, I can’t decide whether she scares the crap out of me or turns me on. That, and she and Dolph Lundgren made the worlds most serious power couple.

Police Story 4: First Strike (1996) *sorry I couldn’t find an English clip*

Filmed at Falls Creek, featuring local Ronnie Dabu on the board. This movie is close to me because Jacky Chan stayed in my neighbors’ lodge during filming, so i feel like i was involved in the making of this film. The reason it sucks is because nothing is landed, the skiers are slowing down to let him burn off. Probably a bit harsh, I know, but it could have been so special. Falls Creek, Helicopters, Guns, a quality recipe, i just feel short changed.

Switch the Movie . ?

Wildcat Chris Brown stars in this trailer. It appeared two or so years ago and i have heard of nothing since. Paul Colby, where are you? I heard it was being funded by Endeavor Snowboards, this true? Anyway, it has boobage, quality snowboard footage, and a feasible story line. Unfortunately it only exists in trailer form. This looked like the saving grace for snowboarding (even if it was an ‘indie’ film), but it exists as nothing more than a trailer. Please help find this missing movie.

A similar list has been made for skateboarding . Definitely worth a look, at least we are not alone in this ugly discrimination. My advice to you is if you must watch these movies, at least pirate or steal them. I would hate to see some ‘dude’ pitching a sequel to ‘Out Cold’ because of good returns and a recent spike in snowboarding popularity.

Fuck…

Shred 2 anyone?